How To Be More Assertive

Quick Overview

To be more assertive in a controlled manner, Jordan Peterson advises asking the audience to write down everything that makes them angry, then negotiating with their partner about what they want and need, starting with small agreements like 10-15 minutes of alone time, which is worth the risk of short-term conflict because avoiding the issue leads to resentment and a miserable life.

Key Points: The main prescription for controlled assertiveness is to write down everything that makes you angry. After listing grievances, negotiate with your partner about what you want and what they are willing to give in return. Start with small, manageable negotiations, such as asking for 10-15 minutes of alone time three times a week. Peterson argues that avoiding confrontation by bottling up anger leads to resentment, misery, and makes one old. The suggested negotiation process ensures that both parties can potentially gain, making it a win-win scenario rather than a zero-sum game. If the partner agrees to the small request, they should sincerely say 'Thank you,' reinforcing the positive behavior.

Context: This video segment features a discussion between Jordan Peterson and an unnamed interviewer (likely Tammy) on stage, focusing on practical advice for becoming more assertive, specifically within a relationship context. The advice centers on confronting suppressed anger and negotiating needs rather than suppressing them, which Peterson argues leads to long-term emotional damage and resentment.

Detailed Analysis

The discussion addresses how to integrate one's shadow and become more assertive in a controlled way, stemming from a question about handling anger. Peterson immediately advises the questioner to write down everything that makes them angry and then to negotiate those points with their partner. He stresses that the negotiation must be comprehensive but start small, suggesting a trial period of 10-15 minutes alone, three times a week. Peterson emphasizes that this approach is worth the risk of temporary discomfort because bottling up anger leads to bitterness, resentment, misery, and ultimately makes life unbearable for both parties. He contrasts this with the alternative where one's partner might be unhappy and angry without knowing why, or where one fails to ask for what they need. The goal is a negotiation where both parties can gain, turning it from a zero-sum game into a mutually beneficial arrangement. He suggests that even small acts of honesty, like asking for flowers or time alone, should be met with sincere gratitude if conceded, as this reinforces the positive communicative behavior.