# How To Be More Assertive

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w2aO-8JQYdI
Recap page: https://rapidrecap.app/video/w2aO-8JQYdI
Generated: 2026-01-16T20:34:05.582+00:00

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## Quick Overview

To be more assertive in a controlled manner, Jordan Peterson advises asking the audience to write down everything that makes them angry, then negotiating with their partner about what they want and need, starting with small agreements like 10-15 minutes of alone time, which is worth the risk of short-term conflict because avoiding the issue leads to resentment and a miserable life.

**Key Points:**
- The main prescription for controlled assertiveness is to write down everything that makes you angry.
- After listing grievances, negotiate with your partner about what you want and what they are willing to give in return.
- Start with small, manageable negotiations, such as asking for 10-15 minutes of alone time three times a week.
- Peterson argues that avoiding confrontation by bottling up anger leads to resentment, misery, and makes one old.
- The suggested negotiation process ensures that both parties can potentially gain, making it a win-win scenario rather than a zero-sum game.
- If the partner agrees to the small request, they should sincerely say 'Thank you,' reinforcing the positive behavior.

![Screenshot at 00:09: Jordan Peterson is responding to a question about integrating one's shadow, advising the questioner to write down everything that makes them angry and then articulate those needs in a controlled, negotiated manner.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/w2aO-8JQYdI/00-00-09.jpg)

**Context:** This video segment features a discussion between Jordan Peterson and an unnamed interviewer (likely Tammy) on stage, focusing on practical advice for becoming more assertive, specifically within a relationship context. The advice centers on confronting suppressed anger and negotiating needs rather than suppressing them, which Peterson argues leads to long-term emotional damage and resentment.

## Detailed Analysis

The discussion addresses how to integrate one's shadow and become more assertive in a controlled way, stemming from a question about handling anger. Peterson immediately advises the questioner to write down everything that makes them angry and then to negotiate those points with their partner. He stresses that the negotiation must be comprehensive but start small, suggesting a trial period of 10-15 minutes alone, three times a week. Peterson emphasizes that this approach is worth the risk of temporary discomfort because bottling up anger leads to bitterness, resentment, misery, and ultimately makes life unbearable for both parties. He contrasts this with the alternative where one's partner might be unhappy and angry without knowing why, or where one fails to ask for what they need. The goal is a negotiation where both parties can gain, turning it from a zero-sum game into a mutually beneficial arrangement. He suggests that even small acts of honesty, like asking for flowers or time alone, should be met with sincere gratitude if conceded, as this reinforces the positive communicative behavior.

### Addressing Anger and Assertiveness

- Write down everything that makes you angry
- Negotiate what you want and what the other person will give
- Start with small agreements like 10-15 minutes of alone time

### Consequences of Avoidance

- Bottling up anger leads to resentment and a miserable life
- Avoiding confrontation makes one old and sick

### Successful Negotiation

- Aim for a non-zero-sum game where both parties gain
- If a partner agrees to a small request, sincerely say 'Thank you' to reinforce the behavior

![Screenshot at 00:00: Jordan Peterson and an interviewer seated on stage in comfortable leather armchairs facing each other across a small wooden table with water bottles.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/w2aO-8JQYdI/00-00-00.jpg)
![Screenshot at 00:10: Peterson leaning forward, actively gesturing while explaining the exact process for beginning to be more assertive in a controlled manner.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/w2aO-8JQYdI/00-00-10.jpg)
![Screenshot at 00:34: Peterson pauses, looking down while contemplating the idea that some sources of anger might be 'stupid' and should simply be overcome.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/w2aO-8JQYdI/00-00-34.jpg)
![Screenshot at 01:51: Peterson wipes his face while explaining the scenario of a person who needs to communicate their desires to their partner.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/w2aO-8JQYdI/00-01-51.jpg)
![Screenshot at 07:28: Peterson laughs heartily after the interviewer's lighthearted response to his suggestion about asking for flowers.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/w2aO-8JQYdI/00-07-28.jpg)