“I can fix her” - why we get obsessed with broken partners

Quick Overview

The tendency to become obsessed with "broken" partners stems from a psychological trick where the initial intense feeling of fixing them, driven by dopamine and adrenaline, is falsely equated with genuine, calm, sustainable love, leading people to remain in unfulfilling situations because they overvalue the potential for change in others rather than valuing their own inherent worth.

Key Points: The feeling of fixing a partner, often associated with chasing a 'high,' is driven by cortisol, dopamine, and adrenaline, which are confused with true love. People often chase partners who are 'broken' or emotionally unavailable because the perceived reward of 'fixing' them provides an intense, variable reward structure similar to a slot machine. The author notes that when someone is emotionally unavailable or toxic, the desire to 'fix' them is often linked to low self-esteem, where one feels valuable only if they can successfully change another person. The initial intense, exciting feeling derived from pursuing a 'broken' person is often mistaken for deep connection, whereas calm, secure love can feel 'boring' by comparison. The speaker cites Jessica Baum's book, Anxious to Attached, noting that people who are anxious about attachment often seek out avoidant partners. The key to overcoming this pattern is to stop overvaluing the potential for change in others and instead value one's own inherent worth and character. The sponsor, LMNT, promotes an electrolyte drink mix with a scientifically backed sodium/potassium/magnesium ratio, offering a satisfying initial taste without artificial ingredients.

Context: The speakers in this discussion explore the psychological underpinnings of why individuals, particularly those with anxious attachment styles, become fixated on pursuing and 'fixing' partners who are emotionally unavailable or seemingly 'broken.' They contrast the thrilling, roller-coaster experience of chasing validation from such individuals against the perceived dullness of secure, calm relationships, linking this behavior to neurochemical responses like dopamine and adrenaline surges.