# “I can fix her” - why we get obsessed with broken partners Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6XsF7j0I0E Recap page: https://rapidrecap.app/video/R6XsF7j0I0E Generated: 2026-02-22T16:33:46.021+00:00 --- ## Quick Overview The tendency to become obsessed with "broken" partners stems from a psychological trick where the initial intense feeling of fixing them, driven by dopamine and adrenaline, is falsely equated with genuine, calm, sustainable love, leading people to remain in unfulfilling situations because they overvalue the potential for change in others rather than valuing their own inherent worth. **Key Points:** - The feeling of fixing a partner, often associated with chasing a 'high,' is driven by cortisol, dopamine, and adrenaline, which are confused with true love. - People often chase partners who are 'broken' or emotionally unavailable because the perceived reward of 'fixing' them provides an intense, variable reward structure similar to a slot machine. - The author notes that when someone is emotionally unavailable or toxic, the desire to 'fix' them is often linked to low self-esteem, where one feels valuable only if they can successfully change another person. - The initial intense, exciting feeling derived from pursuing a 'broken' person is often mistaken for deep connection, whereas calm, secure love can feel 'boring' by comparison. - The speaker cites Jessica Baum's book, *Anxious to Attached*, noting that people who are anxious about attachment often seek out avoidant partners. - The key to overcoming this pattern is to stop overvaluing the potential for change in others and instead value one's own inherent worth and character. - The sponsor, LMNT, promotes an electrolyte drink mix with a scientifically backed sodium/potassium/magnesium ratio, offering a satisfying initial taste without artificial ingredients. ![Screenshot at 00:24: The speaker describes the neurochemical basis for the obsession, noting the constant cycle of cortisol and dopamine energy driving the pursuit of fixing a partner.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/R6XsF7j0I0E/00-00-24.jpg) **Context:** The speakers in this discussion explore the psychological underpinnings of why individuals, particularly those with anxious attachment styles, become fixated on pursuing and 'fixing' partners who are emotionally unavailable or seemingly 'broken.' They contrast the thrilling, roller-coaster experience of chasing validation from such individuals against the perceived dullness of secure, calm relationships, linking this behavior to neurochemical responses like dopamine and adrenaline surges. ## Detailed Analysis The conversation centers on the psychological drive behind being attracted to and attempting to 'fix' partners who are emotionally unavailable or 'broken.' One speaker explains that this pursuit is often driven by high levels of stress hormones (cortisol) and reward chemicals (dopamine/adrenaline), creating a volatile, roller-coaster experience that is mistakenly interpreted as the intensity of true love, contrasting sharply with the feeling of calm, secure relationships which can feel 'boring.' The desire to fix someone often correlates with low self-esteem, where an individual derives their sense of value from successfully changing another person. This dynamic is described using the concept of a 'trauma bond' or a 'slot machine' effect due to the variable reward schedule. The speaker references Jessica Baum's work, noting that anxious individuals often gravitate toward avoidant partners. The solution proposed is to stop overvaluing the potential for change in the other person and instead place value on one's own character and inherent worth, recognizing that seeking external validation through 'fixing' others is a self-defeating cycle. The discussion concludes with an advertisement for LMNT electrolytes, highlighting their science-backed formula and lack of artificial ingredients as a healthy alternative. ### Neurochemical Drives - The pursuit of 'fixing' a broken partner is linked to neurochemical highs involving cortisol, adrenaline, and dopamine, which mimic the thrill of a slot machine and are confused with genuine love versus calm, secure connection. ### Attachment Dynamics - Anxious individuals often seek out avoidant partners; the need to fix someone can stem from low self-esteem where self-worth is tied to changing another person, citing Jessica Baum's work. ### The 'Fixer' Trap - The excitement of the chase (rollercoaster) is often valued over stable relationships, and people remain stuck waiting for the other person to change or validate them. ### Overcoming the Pattern - The key is to stop overvaluing the potential for change in the other person and instead focus on valuing one's own inherent worth, character, and integrity. ### Sponsor Segment (LMNT) - The speaker promotes LMNT electrolyte drink mix, noting its science-backed sodium/potassium/magnesium ratio, absence of artificial ingredients/coloring, and its role in reducing cravings and optimizing brain health. ![Screenshot at 00:30: The speaker uses hand gestures to illustrate the 'high' and 'low' cycle of chasing validation from a difficult partner.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/R6XsF7j0I0E/00-00-30.jpg) ![Screenshot at 01:38: The second speaker expresses relief, holding his hands over his heart after describing the intensity of the trauma bond dynamic.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/R6XsF7j0I0E/00-01-38.jpg) ![Screenshot at 02:24: The second speaker describes the feeling resulting from the trauma bond as 'euphoria,' emphasizing its powerful, addictive nature.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/R6XsF7j0I0E/00-02-24.jpg) ![Screenshot at 03:37: The second speaker compares the variable reward nature of chasing validation to the mechanism of a slot machine.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/R6XsF7j0I0E/00-03-37.jpg) ![Screenshot at 07:25: The first speaker demonstrates the product, holding up an LMNT packet while explaining its superior taste testing compared to diet sodas.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/R6XsF7j0I0E/00-07-25.jpg)