# Is Your Partner Using You? I Where Should We Begin? With Esther Perel Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kR6EZCfF2WE Recap page: https://rapidrecap.app/video/kR6EZCfF2WE Generated: 2026-01-12T15:06:41.437+00:00 --- ## Quick Overview The caller, who has been in a painful, confusing relationship for five years, seeks Esther Perel's guidance because she suspects her partner, who has a history of familial trauma and potential narcissistic traits, is intentionally creating instability and emotional distance, which she fears will lead to a breakup. **Key Points:** - The caller has been in a relationship for five years where her partner's behavior, including infidelity and emotional withdrawal, caused her deep distress. - The partner was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and was reportedly engaging in covert manipulation, such as being overly agreeable while secretly sabotaging the relationship. - The caller felt compelled to 'play the game' and be excessively accommodating to maintain stability, fearing that any criticism would lead to a breakup. - The partner's mother committed suicide when he was 21, and he never processed this trauma, leading to erratic behavior and emotional distance in relationships. - The caller realized her partner's fear of intimacy and desire for distance manifested as infidelity and creating instability to control the relationship dynamics. - The caller is seeking advice on how to navigate the situation, specifically questioning whether her perception of the relationship's reality is accurate. - Esther Perel's production team includes Eric Newsom, Sabrina Farhi, Kristen Muller, and Julianna Sol. ![Screenshot at 00:05: The caller, in the recording studio, expresses the complexity of her situation by stating, "It's a bunch of things all together and it's complicated."](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/kR6EZCfF2WE/00-00-05.jpg) **Context:** This is an excerpt from the 'Where Should We Begin?' podcast hosted by Esther Perel, featuring a caller grappling with the confusing and painful dynamics of a five-year relationship. The caller suspects her partner is emotionally manipulative and possibly narcissistic, stemming from unresolved trauma related to his mother's suicide. The core conflict revolves around the partner's simultaneous desire for extreme closeness (being 'love-addicted' or overly accommodating) and extreme distance/infidelity, leaving the caller feeling anxious and manipulated. ## Detailed Analysis The caller recounts a five-year relationship marked by intense emotional swings and infidelity from her partner. She details feeling constantly on edge, trying to please him to avoid conflict or instability, fearing that if she criticized him, he would break up with her. She notes that he seemed very close initially, but this intimacy was accompanied by a sense of danger. The partner has a history of trauma, specifically his mother's suicide when he was 21, which the caller believes contributes to his inability to process deeper emotional connection. The caller states that the therapist she eventually spoke to diagnosed him with borderline personality disorder, suggesting his behavior—being overly agreeable while simultaneously engaging in infidelity and emotional withdrawal—was manipulative. The caller realized she was constantly accommodating him, walking on eggshells, and questioning her own reality. She also admits to her own love addiction tendencies, wanting to believe he loved her deeply when he didn't, which led to her being overly invested in keeping the relationship together. The core issue seems to be the partner's difficulty reconciling intimacy with desire, leading him to create distance through infidelity and emotional manipulation, which the caller now recognizes as a pattern she was unconsciously trying to fix. ### Caller's Relationship Struggle - Relationship lasted five years, marked by infidelity and emotional distance - Caller felt compelled to please him to avoid conflict and breakup - She felt like she was 'walking on eggshells' and that her reality was being manipulated. ### Partner's Background/Diagnosis - Partner's mother committed suicide when he was 21, which the caller believes is unresolved trauma - Therapist suggested the partner might be a narcissist or has borderline personality disorder. ### The Caller's Realization - Caller realized she was 'playing a game' and was hyper-aware of his needs to avoid confrontation - She felt she was being emotionally manipulated into believing the relationship was real when it wasn't. ### The Core Conflict - The partner desired intimacy but also craved distance, leading to infidelity and emotional unavailability - The caller recognized this pattern as one she previously experienced, where she felt responsible for maintaining the relationship's stability. ### Seeking Resolution - Caller is now questioning her own perception and wants to know how to proceed, admitting she felt 'hopeless' and 'hollow' after the breakup. ### Production Credits - Esther Perel is the host, with production by New York Magazine/Vox Media Podcast Network, including Eric Newsom, Sabrina Farhi, Kristen Muller, and Julianna Sol. ![Screenshot at 00:00: Esther Perel speaking in the recording booth about the complexity of the caller's situation.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/kR6EZCfF2WE/00-00-00.jpg) ![Screenshot at 00:11: The caller asks Esther Perel if she can help unpack whether her perception of reality is skewed.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/kR6EZCfF2WE/00-00-11.jpg) ![Screenshot at 00:38: The caller describes their shared experience, saying, "We are common mortals too."](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/kR6EZCfF2WE/00-00-38.jpg) ![Screenshot at 00:55: The title card for the podcast episode appears: 'Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel'.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/kR6EZCfF2WE/00-00-55.jpg) ![Screenshot at 04:26: The caller mentions living in Melbourne, Australia, during the first lockdown when the issues intensified.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/kR6EZCfF2WE/00-04-26.jpg)