# Before We Say Sorry. | Lea Denain & Stella Espenkotter | TEDxMiami Country Day School Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bGOiKMECNyY Recap page: https://rapidrecap.app/video/bGOiKMECNyY Generated: 2026-02-10T17:39:01.471+00:00 --- ## Quick Overview Lea Denain and Stella Espenkotter argue that the pervasive societal pressure on young girls to over-apologize, avoid risks, and shrink themselves—often leading to a 30% drop in confidence between ages 8 and 14—is an ingrained, learned behavior that must be consciously interrupted by encouraging confidence over correctness. **Key Points:** - The speakers cite a study showing that girls lose around 30% of their confidence between ages 8 and 14 due to societal pressures. - The term 'feminism' is described as controversial, often overshadowing the reality of gender inequality experienced by young girls. - The ingrained habit of over-apologizing (e.g., saying "I'm sorry" for taking up space) acts as a 'disclaimer' or 'safety net' for young women. - This pattern of shrinking and apologizing teaches girls that their ideas and voices matter less. - The speakers share a personal story from when the speaker was 10, where her grandfather asked if she wanted to be a businesswoman and paused when she said yes, suggesting a lack of expectation. - To fix this, society—especially parents and teachers—must encourage confidence and courage over correctness and politeness. - The presentation concludes with the speakers receiving applause for their talk at the TEDx Miami Country Day School event. ![Screenshot at 00:25: The speakers display childhood photos of themselves, one with a pink bicycle and one with a Barbie toy, to illustrate the types of gendered expectations and gifts they received early in life before the confidence gap widened.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/bGOiKMECNyY/00-00-25.jpg) **Context:** The presentation is delivered by two young women, Lea Denain and Stella Espenkotter, at a TEDx event hosted by the Miami Country Day School. They discuss the societal pressures, largely stemming from ingrained cultural norms, that cause young girls to lose confidence as they grow older, focusing specifically on the learned habit of over-apologizing and minimizing one's presence. ## Detailed Analysis Lea Denain and Stella Espenkotter co-present their talk challenging the ingrained habits of self-minimization in young girls. They introduce the topic by displaying childhood photos of themselves, noting that they are not trying to make anyone feel emotional but rather to highlight how confidence was impacted before it became complicated. The speaker states that the word 'feminism' has become controversial, overshadowing the ongoing reality of gender inequality. They cite research from Columbia University (President Clare Shipman and journalist Katie K.) finding that between ages 8 and 14, girls lose about 30% of their confidence, often due to pressure to be perfect, polite, and avoid risks. This manifests as over-apologizing for existing or taking up space. The speaker recounts a personal anecdote from age 10 when her grandfather paused upon hearing her ambition to be a businesswoman, implying that her ambition was met with surprise or skepticism. This pattern, they argue, teaches girls that their opinions and voices are less authoritative or less worthy of space. The speakers urge listeners, especially parents and teachers, to actively praise risk-taking and courage over mere correctness and politeness, thereby breaking the cycle where girls shrink themselves to avoid punishment or negative judgment, which the speakers experienced as a 'survival strategy.' ### Introduction and Context - Lea Denain and Stella Espenkotter introduce their topic by showing childhood photos; they define the issue as the societal pressure leading to girls losing confidence, citing a 30% drop between ages 8 and 14. ### The Problem of Over-Apologizing - Speakers explain that over-apologizing (e.g., "I'm sorry" for existing) is a learned survival strategy that diminishes a girl's perceived authority and value. ### Personal Anecdote - The speakers share a personal story about a 10-year-old expressing ambition to be a businesswoman, which was met with a pause from her grandfather, illustrating societal skepticism toward female ambition. ### The Solution - The speakers assert that the solution involves interrupting this pattern by encouraging courage and confidence over correctness, politeness, and fear of being perceived as arrogant. ### Call to Action - They urge teachers and parents to actively foster environments where taking risks is rewarded, not punished, and where girls' voices are valued equally. ![Screenshot at 00:04: The exterior view of the Miami Country Day School building, setting the location for the TEDx event.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/bGOiKMECNyY/00-00-04.jpg) ![Screenshot at 00:08: The auditorium from above, showing the audience seated in the dark theater illuminated by blue stage lighting.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/bGOiKMECNyY/00-00-08.jpg) ![Screenshot at 00:24: A slide displaying two childhood photos of the speakers: one with a pink bicycle and one holding a Barbie toy, illustrating early gendered expectations.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/bGOiKMECNyY/00-00-24.jpg) ![Screenshot at 00:48: A close-up of the two speakers on stage, Stella Espenkotter \(right, speaking\) and Lea Denain \(left, listening\), dressed in professional attire.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/bGOiKMECNyY/00-00-48.jpg) ![Screenshot at 06:08: A close-up shot of audience members bathed in blue light, listening intently to the presentation.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/bGOiKMECNyY/00-06-08.jpg)