Breaking Up Is Hard To Do-Orion Taraban, Psy.D.

Quick Overview

Dr. Orion Taraban advises that salvaging long-term relationships through effort is wise to prevent returning to an ex due to unfinished business, but advocates for definitive breakups, comparing the termination process to firing an employee where discussion is over and the decision is final, while also sharing a deeply personal narrative about overcoming suicidal ideation at age 19 through a realization that facing life's worst-case scenario made everything else feel safer.

Key Points: For long-term relationships, Dr. Taraban recommends trying everything possible to salvage it first, so one can honestly say, "I tried everything I could to make that work" before breaking up. The ideal breakup involves gratitude and peace, especially when couples realize the distance between their life directions is too vast, making the relationship logistically unfeasible. Fighting is a sign of failed communication and contempt; Dr. Taraban disagrees with accepting fights as normal, stating, "When you lose and when you win, you lose" in a fight with a woman. When ending a relationship, the recommendation is to treat it like firing someone: "This isn't a discussion," as the time for discussion was during the performance improvement plan phase. Dr. Taraban shares that he came close to suicide at 19, but paused when an unmistakable gentle touch asked, "Are you sure?" leading to the realization that the worst-case scenario was death, which paradoxically expanded his sense of freedom. He emphasizes that behavioral change often precedes feeling better; therapy supported his actions, but the cure came from making different behavioral decisions outside the counseling room, like choosing not to kill himself "today." He discusses his new novel, Starry Night, a fictionalized account of the last 10 weeks of Vincent Van Gogh's life, a figure whose struggles resonated with his own feelings of isolation and hopelessness.

Context: The discussion features Dr. Orion Taraban, a psychologist, providing advice on the difficulty of breaking up with a romantic partner, contrasting it with previous discussions on meeting people. A significant portion of the interview pivots when Dr. Taraban shares an intensely personal story about his own past struggles with suicidal ideation between the ages of 16 and 24, particularly a moment at age 19, connecting these themes to the life of Vincent Van Gogh, whose story resonates with feelings of isolation and struggle.