# Building My Self Worth & Confidence in a Selfless Way | Irwan Tjahjadi | TEDxUNS

Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NKm-x7PobWk
Recap page: https://rapidrecap.app/video/NKm-x7PobWk
Generated: 2026-01-14T16:34:11.631+00:00

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## Quick Overview

The speaker advocates for building self-worth and confidence in a selfless way, emphasizing that individuals do not need to be "ideal" or perfect before they can believe in themselves, as this process of self-acceptance and contribution is continuous and humanizing, contrasting it with the exhausting cycle of seeking external validation and filtering one's reality.

**Key Points:**
- The speaker encourages building self-worth and confidence in a "Selfless Way," meaning focusing on contribution rather than just self-focus.
- Self-worth does not require one to be 'ideal' or perfect first; the speaker cites a personal turning point after his first job where he realized this.
- The speaker identifies three components of self-image: self-perception, perception of others' perception, and the ideal self, noting that the latter is often detached from reality (04:50).
- Negative self-image manifests as insecurity, overthinking (02:18), negative body image, and conditional self-love ("self-love yang penuh syarat" at 04:08).
- Selfless leadership involves less thinking about 'us' (the self) and more about how one's presence contributes to others (05:56).
- The speaker quotes Robert Tannen: 'The less I think about me, the more I actually care,' indicating that shifting focus outward reduces self-criticism and allows one to be more present (07:00).
- The key to building healthy self-worth is accepting oneself as a dynamic and human individual who makes mistakes, rather than striving for an unrealistic ideal (13:44).

![Screenshot at 04:07: The screen displays the core concept of 'Selfless Leadership,' defined as not just being about 'me' \(aku\), but about how one's presence contributes \(berkontribusi\), contrasting self-focus with external contribution.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/NKm-x7PobWk/00-04-07.jpg)

**Context:** This TEDxUNS talk by Irwan Tjahjadi focuses on redefining self-worth and confidence, moving away from external validation and societal pressures toward an internal, selfless foundation. The speaker shares personal anecdotes from his early career, particularly following his first job after college, where he experienced the struggle of internalizing negative self-perceptions stemming from social media filters and unrealistic expectations. He frames his solution around the concept of 'Selfless Leadership' and 'Welasing' (compassion) toward oneself.

## Detailed Analysis

The speaker argues that many people struggle with self-worth due to insecurity, overthinking, negative body image, and conditional self-love, often derived from filtering their lives through social media or societal standards. He recounts a turning point in 2019 when receiving positive feedback on educational content he created, which made him realize the futility of constantly seeking external approval. He introduces the concept of self-image having three parts: how you see yourself, how you think others see you, and the ideal self divorced from reality. The speaker proposes shifting towards 'Selfless Leadership' and 'Welasing' (compassion) for the self. This means focusing less on self-worry and more on how one contributes to others, citing Robert Tannen's idea: 'The less I think about me, the more I actually care.' This shift allows individuals to accept their inherent humanity, mistakes, and imperfections ('memaafkan salahku,' 'aku belajar dari kesalahanku')—viewing the self as dynamic and human—rather than chasing an impossible, filtered ideal.

### Introduction to Insecurity

- The speaker introduces common manifestations of low self-worth: insecurity & overthinking
- negative body image
- conditional self-love ('self-love yang penuh syarat')
- 02:18

### The Self-Image Model

- Self-image comprises three elements: self-perception, perceived external perception, and the ideal self detached from reality
- 05:14

### The Solution

- Selfless Leadership: This leadership style involves 'less thinking about us' and focusing on how one's presence contributes to others
- 05:56

### Personal Revelation

- The speaker's first job taught him about an un-felt emotion, leading him to realize the impact of his self-focus and the need to change his internal responses
- 08:38

### The Principle of Compassion

- The core advice is to lead the self with 'Welas Asih' (Compassion) by treating yourself like you treat others and embracing our humanness
- 10:34

### Conclusion on Self-Acceptance

- True self-worth comes from accepting the self as dynamic and human—forgiving mistakes and learning—rather than constantly seeking external validation or striving for an unattainable ideal
- 13:44

![Screenshot at 00:03: TEDxUNS logo displayed on a black background.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/NKm-x7PobWk/00-00-03.jpg)
![Screenshot at 06:05: The speaker stands on stage with large TEDxUNS letters behind him, while the screen displays a doodle illustrating insecurity and negative self-image.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/NKm-x7PobWk/00-06-05.jpg)
![Screenshot at 04:08: A slide illustrating three common hidden struggles: insecurity/overthinking, negative body image, and conditional self-love, represented by chalk-style drawings.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/NKm-x7PobWk/00-04-08.jpg)
![Screenshot at 10:15: A slide showing the core message: 'Maybe, I'll trust myself once again,' surrounded by small circles illustrating positive self-affirmations and activities.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/NKm-x7PobWk/00-10-15.jpg)
![Screenshot at 13:44: A slide titled 'Melihat Diri Sebagai pribadi dinamis & humanis' \(Seeing Self as a dynamic & human individual\), listing self-acceptance traits like forgiving mistakes and not giving up easily.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/NKm-x7PobWk/00-13-44.jpg)