I Have a Crush on a Coworker | Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel

Quick Overview

The caller confessed to therapist Esther Perel that she developed a crush on a coworker after her divorce six months prior, which caused her significant anxiety because the coworker was also very close to her ex-husband and she feared being judged or sabotaging her own healing process by pursuing it.

Key Points: The caller is seeking advice from Esther Perel because she has developed a crush on a coworker. The crush began about six months after her divorce was finalized. The coworker is also friends with her ex-husband, leading the caller to fear judgment or emotional fallout if she acts on her feelings. The caller initially tried to keep the crush secret but found it difficult because of the emotional turmoil from her divorce and the coworker's perceived emotional unavailability. The caller admitted that her ex-husband was emotionally abusive and controlling, which created a pattern of seeking external validation that she is now trying to break. Esther Perel advised the caller to savor the feeling of desire and attraction without immediately acting on it, suggesting that suppressing these feelings is counterproductive. The caller realized she was subconsciously looking for someone who was emotionally distant, mirroring past relationship dynamics.

Context: This episode of Esther Perel's podcast, "Where Should We Begin...", features a caller who is navigating the complex emotional landscape following a divorce. Six months after finalizing her divorce from an emotionally abusive husband, she finds herself developing feelings for a coworker. This situation is complicated by the fact that the coworker is also closely connected to her ex-husband and her existing social circle, raising fears of judgment and potential negative repercussions if she were to pursue the attraction.

Detailed Analysis

The caller contacted Esther Perel because she developed a crush on a coworker shortly after her divorce was finalized six months prior. She explicitly states that her ex-husband was emotionally abusive and controlling, leading her to seek safety and stability outside the marriage, which she found in this coworker. The situation is complicated because the coworker is also friends with her ex-husband, and the caller fears social repercussions or judgment if she pursues the crush. The caller admitted that she had a pattern of seeking external validation, even in her previous abusive marriage, and that her crush on this seemingly 'safe' coworker felt like a conscious attempt to break that pattern. Esther Perel initially advises the caller to simply 'savor it'—the feeling of desire and attraction—without immediately acting on it, suggesting that suppressing the feeling is not helpful. The caller notes that her ex-husband was emotionally abusive and controlling, which led to her self-doubt and a feeling of being trapped. She recognizes that the coworker, who is emotionally unavailable, might represent a familiar dynamic, but she also acknowledges the positive qualities in him. Perel suggests that the caller needs to deal with the grief and complexities of her divorce first, as the crush might be a way to avoid processing the past relationship's damage. The caller mentions that she and her friends often engage in activities together (like going out dancing), but she intentionally avoided inviting this coworker to those group settings to manage her feelings. The core issue explored is how to navigate attraction and desire while healing from past emotional trauma, and whether the attraction is genuinely about the coworker or a reaction to past relational dynamics.