# How to deal with difficult people | Dr. Jeff Kaplan | TEDxWilmingtonSalon Source: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F_eJzDBOYqk Recap page: https://rapidrecap.app/video/F_eJzDBOYqk Generated: 2025-11-24T16:38:08.941+00:00 --- ## Quick Overview Dr. Jeff Kaplan presents three core principles for dealing with difficult people: 1) Don't make people wrong or ask for what you want, but instead ask for what you want; 2) Don't judge, but get curious; and 3) Don't take things personally, but assume good intent. The main outcome is that by practicing these principles, individuals can improve their relationships by shifting from reactive blame to proactive curiosity and grace. **Key Points:** - Principle 1 advocates for asking for what you want instead of making people wrong, emphasizing that people are often not inherently bad but lack the necessary skills or emotional awareness. - Principle 2 advises against immediate judgment and encourages getting curious to understand the situation better, noting that assuming good intent does not excuse bad behavior. - Principle 3 instructs listeners not to take things personally, but instead to assume good intent, which helps in maintaining perspective during difficult interactions. - The speaker shares an anecdote about an engineer who was promoted but received no training or support, illustrating how difficult people might be reacting to unaddressed needs. - The speaker emphasizes the need to ask, 'What's my goal?' before engaging in difficult conversations, whether sending an email or making a call. - Practice 2 centers on asking, 'How do I want this person to feel?' as the result of a conversation, shifting focus from blame to desired emotional outcome. - Practice 3 involves asking, 'Do you want me to listen, share, or help solve?' to clarify the role you should take in supporting the other person. ![Screenshot at 07:07: The slide for Principle #2, which states: 'Don't Judge' and 'Get Curious,' summarizing the core directive to seek understanding rather than immediate condemnation.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/F_eJzDBOYqk/00-07-07.png) **Context:** This TEDx talk by Dr. Jeff Kaplan, presented at TEDxWilmingtonSalon, focuses on practical communication strategies for navigating interactions with difficult people in professional and personal settings. Kaplan introduces a framework built around three core principles and three supporting practices designed to shift one's reactive approach to a more empathetic and effective response. ## Detailed Analysis Dr. Jeff Kaplan outlines a three-principle framework for dealing with difficult people, suggesting that many challenging individuals are reacting to unfulfilled needs rather than being inherently malicious. Principle 1 is: Don't make people wrong, and don't ask for what you want; instead, ask for what you want. This is supported by the practice of asking, 'What's my goal?' before engaging in a difficult interaction. Principle 2 is: Don't judge; get curious. This involves asking, 'How do I want this person to feel?' as the desired outcome of the conversation, which helps avoid reactive responses. Kaplan stresses that assuming good intent does not excuse bad behavior. Principle 3 is: Don't take things personally; assume good intent. This perspective shift helps maintain emotional distance. Kaplan illustrates the concept by mentioning engineers and computer scientists who may lack emotional skills but possess strong technical skills. The application of these principles aims to foster better relationships by encouraging people to start from a place of grace instead of grievance. ### Introduction - Meet Bob: Bob is introduced as a cartoon representation of a difficult person who lacks emotional awareness, illustrating the common challenge of dealing with people who are arrogant or insensitive. ### Principle #1 - Don't Make People Wrong / Ask For What You Want: The speaker emphasizes shifting focus from blaming others to clearly defining one's own objective ('What's my goal?') before engaging, and explicitly asking for what is desired rather than assuming the other person should already know. ### Principle #2 - Don't Judge / Get Curious: This principle stresses replacing judgment with curiosity by asking the other person how they want to be supported ('Do you want me to listen, share, or help solve?'), which helps understand their needs without excusing poor behavior. ### Principle #3 - Don't Take Things Personally / Assume Good Intent: The speaker advises assuming good intent, recognizing that difficult behavior often stems from a lack of skills or emotional awareness, which helps avoid taking interactions personally and leads to more effective problem-solving. ### Practices for Improvement - The talk concludes by summarizing three actionable practices: 1. Asking 'What's my goal?' before interactions; 2. Asking 'How do I want this person to feel?' to guide the conversation's desired emotional impact; 3. Asking what role the listener should take (listen, share, or solve). ### Conclusion - The ultimate goal is to use these tools to help people (like 'Bob') who may be technically skilled but lack interpersonal skills, leading to better relationships and outcomes. ![Screenshot at 00:08: Introduction slide featuring a cartoon of an overweight man in a suit labeled 'MEET BOB', representing a difficult person.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/F_eJzDBOYqk/00-00-08.png) ![Screenshot at 01:12: Slide displaying the overarching theme: 'TODAY'S WORKPLACE', setting the context for the discussion on interpersonal skills.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/F_eJzDBOYqk/00-01-12.png) ![Screenshot at 06:16: Slide detailing Principle #1: 'Don't Make People Wrong' and 'Ask For What You Want', contrasting accusatory vs. goal-oriented communication.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/F_eJzDBOYqk/00-06-16.png) ![Screenshot at 07:07: Slide detailing Principle #2: 'Don't Judge' and 'Get Curious', highlighting the importance of inquiry over immediate condemnation.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/F_eJzDBOYqk/00-07-07.png) ![Screenshot at 08:09: Slide detailing Principle #3: 'Don't Take Things Personally' and 'Assume Good Intent', contrasting reactive grievance with a proactive stance of grace.](https://ss.rapidrecap.app/screens/F_eJzDBOYqk/00-08-09.png)