Why don't dating apps work better? | Joanna Montgomery | TEDxSt Albans

Quick Overview

Dating apps fail to better facilitate meaningful connection because the underlying premise—optimization and prediction—works against the inherent uncertainty and biological wiring of human love, which requires effort, vulnerability, and acceptance of messiness rather than algorithmic shortcuts.

Key Points: Human beings have sought to 'hack' love for as long as they existed, historically using astrology or medieval matchmakers who relied on potions and charms. Modern dating relies on technology like apps, compatibility quizzes based on personality archetypes, and AI relationship coaches, all aiming for optimization. The speaker's university project, which went viral, involved a device that transmitted a heartbeat sound/feeling between two people sleeping far apart, showing a desire for connection despite distance. The underlying issue is the belief that love should be easy and predictable; in reality, brain science shows that grief and love activate similar pathways, and meaningful connection requires effort, not optimization. The speaker points to 'reward prediction error' in neuroscience, where the brain releases dopamine when an outcome is better than expected, suggesting that predictability dulls the reward of love. The core threat to human connection is not technology, but the persistent belief that love should be easy, leading people to skip the difficult, messy parts of forming genuine bonds. Love requires three things: time, repetition, and attention, all of which are counteracted by optimization culture.

Context: This TEDxSt Albans talk explores why modern dating tools, despite technological advancements, often fail to deliver deep, lasting romantic connections. The speaker contrasts historical attempts to engineer love (like medieval potions or astrology) with contemporary reliance on dating apps, algorithms, and personality tests. She argues that the modern obsession with optimizing love by removing uncertainty and maximizing efficiency strips away the essential, messy, and effortful components that actually make connections meaningful and rewarding.